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A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

As you might imagine, when I’m driving down the road in my Phantomobile, I get a good deal of attention.  People will often shout things “hey, you’re that Phantom Tire Buyer!”

“With a secret identity” I often reply.  “Tell me, how’s your alignment?” 

But lately I’ve been getting more attention than ever before.  I wondered why, and then it struck me.  I just had my good friends at Tire Discounters install a new set of wheels!  I can’t tell you what a difference it makes.  And I had an interesting conversation with my friend Mike…

“Hiya, Phantom!”

“Hi Mike.  I’d like to peruse your vast selection of wheels.  I think the Phantomobile needs some sprucing up.”

“Great!  Yeah, we’ve got thousands of wheels in stock:  KMC, Black Rhino, ION, Fuel and tons more…anything on the floor strike your fancy?”

I picked a set I’d had my eye on for some time.

“Okay, now lets do a little web site magic and see how they’ll look on the Phantomobile.”

“Wow!  That’s amazing!  And I must say, I think they really make the Phantomobile look unique!”

“And the price is lower than you might think…you might call it a “wheel deal”!  Get it?”

“I’m sorry, get what?”

“I said wheel deal”.

“Yes.”

“It’s like a play on words.  Like instead of saying we have great big deals on wheels, I said it’s a wheel deal.”  

“Indeed.  And Mike, I also know that you and fellow ASE Certified Technicians know just the right fit for my vehicle and driving preferences.” 

“Plus, they look super cool.”

“I hope they don’t make me look like too much of a hep cat.”

“Not to worry Phantom.  Not to worry.”

Image

A Web Log about brakes from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

Right now, where I live in Cincinnati, OH (also the home of the greatest tire store in the world) people all over town are rolling down their car windows for the first time since winter set in.  And guess what many of us are hearing?  “Squeee, squeee!”.   That’s not a technical term.  It’s supposed to represent the terrible and annoying squeaks made by brakes that need attention.  

If you’ve been startled by this or a similar noise, I highly recommend that you take your vehicle to the afore-mentioned Tire Discounters.  There, the friendly and expert ASE technicians will perform a free and thorough inspection.  How thorough?  I’m glad you asked!

Every part of your braking system that is subject to wear will be checked.  That includes friction materials like brake pads and shoes, and brake rotors and brake drums.  Then, the hydraulic system gets a good going-over.  In addition to analyzing the brake fluid, the master cylinder, steel brake lines, brake hoses, brake calipers and wheel cylinders are all inspected.  

Then, you see the resulting written documentation.  

For me, the best part is that, because of Chip Wood’s leadership and values, at Tire Discounters the emphasis is never on SELLING you brakes.  They LOVE to tell customers that everything is fine.  But if works needs to be done, you’ll know exactly why.  And you can trust that you’ll be safe in your travels.  

A Web Log about pothole season from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

Pothole season is coming.  That phrase sends chills down the spine of this Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity.  Most people consider the greatest pothole-caused mayhem to be a flat tire or bent rim/wheel that results after a dramatic ka-thunk.  BUT.  For people like me, cursed with an obsession for vehicle safety, the true damage is far more insidious – for it hides itself as it lurks in the vehicle.  

Did you know that even the smallest pothole can throw your vehicle out of alignment?  Fortunately, Tire Discounters, founded and owned by my good friend Chip Wood and his beautiful family, offers a free alignment check!  I urge everyone to take advantage of this free and oh so beneficial service.  Once your vehicle is mis-aligned, your handling will be thrown off; your tires will begin to wear unevenly; and cats will mate with dogs.  (Ha, ha, that last part was just what we in the diarist business call and “attention-getter”. 

I myself felt a rather jarring bump just the other day.  I turned around and went immediately to Tire Discounters.  There, they carefully checked the Phantomobile’s alignment aaaand….I was lucky this time! 

Don’t take chances with the safety of your family and the handling of your car.  Take it to Tire Discounters for a free inspection!

A Web Log about expensive services from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I’m often mystified by people who take their cars and trucks back to the dealers for service.  Why?  Why do they pay those dealership service prices?  I decided to stand inconspicuously outside the service entrance the local Ford dealer to find out why.

“Excuse me sir!”

‘Yeah?”

“May I ask you a few questions?”

“Sure.  I’m waiting for service, so I got a LOT of time.”

“Sir, are you aware of the fact that Tire Discounters can perform all your scheduled factory maintenance at a fraction of what the dealer charges?”

“Yeah?  Weeelll, I dunno, these guys work for the people who made my truck.”

“Yes, but Tire Discounters brings all the same expertise to the job.  The ASE Certified technicians at Tire Discounters follow the same MAP guidelines as this dealership and most all reputable shops.”

“Yeah?”

“Indeed!  And they it all for much less.”  

“Heck I go there all the time for tires.  They’re right down the street from where I live.  Good people.  Like ‘em.”

“So, may I ask what you’re here for?”

“My 75,000 mile check-up.  Figured I’d bring it here.”  

“But, but sir!”

“Yeah?”

“Tire Discounters does all that and more!  That’s what I’m trying to tell you!”

Just then, one of the salespeople came out.  

“Is this man with the cape and glasses bothering you sir?”

“Not as much as you are.  Get me my truck back.  I’m goin’ somewhere else.”

“But sir, we’re the DEALER!”

“I know.  And I’ve seen your bills.  Now fetch me back my truck.”

A Web Log about traffic from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I’ll tell you this much about the secret location of my Phantom’s lair:  it’s located in Greater Cincinnati.  And our fair community is soaking wet.  In yesterday’s rush-hour morning traffic there were over 25 wrecks on the roads and highways due to the slick surfaces. 

Why?  My theory is that, because we haven’t yet had any snow to speak of, drivers have decided that their worn treads were “good enough”.  NO!  Did you know that for the average 5-person sedan, the stopping distance on wet roads is TWICE that of dry roads?  Add bad tires and diminished visibility in the rain into the mix, and you have a recipe for, oh, 25 WRECKS in one morning. 

Do yourself and everyone who needs to get somewhere on time a favor.  (or, a “solid” as my hip neighbor would say)   Go to Tire Discounters immediately.  Let their experts tell you whether or not your tires are safe in a rainstorm.  They’ll tell it to you straight – at Tire Discounters they care far more about your safety than a mere tire sale.  And, while you’re at it, pick up some new wiper blades to help with that visibility! 

Cincinnati is Tire Discounters’ hometown.  Please people, we can do better!

A Web Log about locations from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

Wow, just wow.  I was perusing tirediscounters.com this morning and saw the news.  As I may have mentioned, I am a close personal friend of the founder and chairman, Chip Wood.  I’ve also had the honor of meeting Steven, Chip’s son and his daughter Anna.  They are both intensely involved in the family business.  It’s such a comfort to know that my favorite company is set to prosper for generations to come!  

And what a far-flung affair!  From Chip’s humble beginnings – now customers in Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia and Alabama can all enjoy a free alignment with standard 4-tire installation.  And the web site can be reached from all over the world!   

Speaking of the web site…if you haven’t chatted with an expert from Tire Discounters, you haven’t lived.  They can talk with authority on a full spectrum of topics:  everything from recommending the perfect tire to consulting on what Tire Discounters’ maintenance service you might want to consider.  I would steer clear of movie recommendations, however. Even though I have quite a lively sense of humor, I found the movie “Hangover” to be somewhat sophomoric.  

A Web Log about wheels from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

My neighbor Brandon is a rather conservative sort.  He dresses everyday in plaid shirts and khaki trousers.  His house is a non-descript brick colonial with white trim.  He drives a 10-year-old greyish silver Chevy Malibu to his job as a data analyst.  So imagine my surprise when just the other day, I saw Brandon pull into his drab concrete driveway with sparkling new custom wheels!  

“Brandon,” I cried.  Is it really you?

He rolled down his window and smiled.  “Did you notice my cool new wheels?”

“I did indeed, my good friend, is that really you?”

“That’s exactly right Phantom.  This is the real me.”  

“I never pictured you as the type who would customize his car with something so, so…”

“Stylish?”

“Precisely!”  

“Aw, I gotta tell you, I surprised myself just a little bit.  I was at Tire Discounters and I happened to meet this guy who was so excited he could barely contain himself.”  

“I just got new custom wheels!” he exclaimed.  It’s like, I’m still being me, only it’s like I’m being even more me!”

“Now Phantom, I had to think about that one a little.  Then I got what he was saying.  He wasn’t flashy in any sense – but just a small, tasteful bit of flash on his car suited him to a tee.  That’s when it hit me:  darn it Brandon, you be more you!”

“And you bought these snazzy wheels.  Kudos neighbor, they’re just the thing!”

“Hey Phantom, did you ever notice that the trim on my house might be a bit bland?  It’s just off-white.” 

“Hmmm.  What were you thinking?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe cream?”

“Exciting!  You keep being more you, my good friend!”

A Web Log about a quote from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

Just the other day I was on my way to volunteer at the local recycling center.  One of Tire Discounters’ competitors has a location along that route, so I usually try to avert my eyes when driving by.  It makes my blood boil when I think of all those poor, unsuspecting customers.

But this time, I couldn’t help but glance their way.  What I saw stopped me in my tracks.  There, in front of their store was this brazen message:  “10% off any Tire Discounters quote”.

Well, I couldn’t help myself, I had to investigate.  I marched into the store and simmered, while I waited for the “sales manager” to get off his phone and acknowledge my presence.  

“What can I do you for?  Nice cape, by the way.”

“I saw your sign outside, my good man.”

“Oh that,” he smirked, “pretty clever on us, huh?”

“I don’t know where to begin.”

“Howsabout we jack your car up and we’ll tell ya what ya need?”

“Do you have the slightest inkling what Tire Discounters does for their customers?”

“Slap on tires, just like us.”

“NO!  I don’t know where to begin, so let’s cut to the chase, as they say.”  

“What?”

“Do you even have an alignment rack?”

“Nope.  Too expensive.  Plus, you gotta know how to use them.  It’s complicated.”

I struggled to maintain my composure.   “Are you aware of what can happen when you carelessly put new tires on a misaligned vehicle?”

“Yeah, weird tread wear.  You should make sure them wheels are aligned.“  

“That’s why Tire Discounters includes a free 4-wheel alignment with standard 4-tire installation!”

“We can’t do that.”

“I KNOW THAT!  So how can you offer 10% off when you even come close to providing the same service!”

“Well, rubber’s rubber.”

“Let’s move on.  Do you scour the mating surfaces to ensure a perfect seal?”

He gave me a quizzical look and suddenly shouted: “Who’s next!?”

A Web Log about wheels from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

I truly don’t mean to brag, but sometimes when I drive down the street in my Phantomobile, I notice that people often stare.  It’s sometimes more of a slack-jawed gape, actually.  I often wondered why – and it struck me.  Of course!  It’s my custom wheels!

You may think, as did my neighbor Brent, that you’re just not the type to put custom wheels on your car.  Brent was tired of his old Toyota 4-Runner, even though it ran like top.  He was this close to buying a new one.  I sensed this because in a neighborly chat over the fence he said to me:  “Phantom, I’m this close to buying a new one.”

“Brent” I said, “have you ever considered sprucing up your vehicle with a snazzy new set of custom wheels?”

He hemmed and hawed a bit. I was insistent and we drove to our nearest Tire Discounters then and there.  To make a long story short, they had some flat black wheels in stock. They have a huge amount of wheels on hand, and 1000’s more available. Brent thought those might be just the thing for his drab, white 4-Runner.  Well, After Tire Discounters installed those wheels, my friend could not wipe the smile off his face.

He might have spent 10’s of thousands of dollars on a new vehicle that he’d ultimately tire of.  Instead, for a fraction of that, he is now, in his words: “stylin’”.  

A Web Log about a poll from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

The other day I decided to conduct a poll of people I met on the street.  I’m not sure if my results can be considered “scientific” or not, but I’ll bet I spoke with upwards of 15 different people.  8 of whom continued speaking with me after I identified myself as a Phantom Tire with a secret identity.  I couldn’t have them thinking I was just some random stranger with a cape on.  

Well, the results were overwhelming, and I was dumbstruck once again by how many people are unaware of the fact that Tire Discounters is so much more than a tire store.  

Here are some of my findings:

5 out of 8 people buy all their tires at Tire Discounters.  That’s not nearly enough.

4 out of 8 people “think they do some other kind of work on cars”.  Well come now.  I wouldn’t call over 400,000 alignments and 10,000 brake jobs in the year 2019 alone – “some work”.

Brakes, Alignments, shocks and struts, oil changes, fluid exchanges – my friends, Tire Discounters does it all!  They can handle all your vehicles’ scheduled maintenance!  And do I need to remind you that they perform all these services with the same expertise and integrity that is synonymous with the name Tire Discounters?  

Oh, this is also interesting.  1 out of 8 people think I shouldn’t wear a cape in public. 

A Web Log about alignment from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

I was counting my items to see if I qualified for the fast check out line the other day, when someone recognized me and asked, how’s everything at Discount Tire?

I’m afraid I may have over reacted.  

“I wouldn’t know, my good man, as I make every attempt never to darken their door!”

This came out a good deal louder than I’d intended.  

“Oh”, he replied.  “No offense intended”.

I gathered my composure as best I could.  

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you.  But, you see, because of the name similarity, Discount Tire is often confused with Tire Discounters, which was founded by my close personal friend, Chip Wood.  I admit, it is a little tricky if you have only a superficial knowledge of the two companies.  But I can assure you, the similarities stop with the names.”

“Oh really,” the man replied, “tell me more.  Normally I’m in a hurry to leave the grocery store, but I find myself enthralled by your tale.”

“That other store, whose name I shan’t mention again, doesn’t even perform alignments!  They sell tires, but they won’t even invest in the equipment and expert personnel needed to perform an alignment.  And putting new tires on an unaligned vehicle can ruin the tires!”  

“Oh my goodness!  I had no idea!  I’ll never confuse the good people at Tire Discounters with those others again!  Plus, I’m going to tell everyone I know to stay away from that other place and ONLY go to Tire Discounters!”  

Then, dear reader, I heard the lovely strains of the Tire Discounters jingle.  Yes, it was my alarm clock, awakening me from my beautiful dream.  

A Web Log about Service while you sleep from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

I have a neighbor, Mr. Worley, who it seems is always working.  Often, I’ll see him at the crack of dawn driving into work – and then will have the chance to wave at him once again when I’m taking my late evening constitutional.  

Then, just last night, I noticed that his right front tire was beginning to wear unevenly:

“Excuse me, Mr. Worley, but I believe you need to go see out friends at Tire Discounters straightaway!”

“Oh hiya Phantom!  Yeah, I thought you might notice that uneven wear on my right front tire.”

“Indeed!”

“See, problem is, I haven’t had the time to go see Mike at Tire Discounters.  I work a LOT.”  

“Hmmm.  Tell me, did you happen to see the latest flyer entitled ‘What’s New at Tire Discounters’ that I pass around the neighborhood on a bi-weekly basis?”

“Oh, of course!  But I only had time to skim it.”  

“Well, shame on you then.  Miss a paragraph/miss a lot!  It happens that the first article highlighted Tire Discounters’ latest customer convenience:  Service While You Sleep!”

“Huh?” 

“Just drop your vehicle off in the evening, and in the morning – it’s done!”

“Wow!  At any store?”

“Well, right now it’s only available in Cincinnati and Columbus, but it’s spreading fast!”

“No wonder.  What a great idea!  Service While I Sleep!” 

“Perhaps you’ll pay more attention to my next mimeographed copy of ‘What’s New at Tire Discounters!’”

“Uh, Phantom?”

“Yes?”

“Hardly anybody in the neighborhood reads that.  I mean, we like Tire Discounters and all, but…”

”Oh, but think what you’re missing!  I’ll keep at it though.  Stay tuned for my next issue, soon to arrive at every house on our fair street!  Spoiler alert:  the lead article goes into great detail about the importance of proper alignment!”

A Web Log about family from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

Thanksgiving!  What a wonderful holiday.  Like most of us – for me, it prompts thoughts of family. I delight in contemplating all the good things that family brings to us – let’s see – well, the first thing that pops to mind is, of course, Tire Discounters.  

I remember well some 25 years ago when I met young Steven Wood.  He was a toddler at the time.  Chip introduced us, and I’m afraid that in an attempt to befriend and amuse the little tyke, I blurted out ALIGNMENT, so crucial!  Well the lad began to cry rather uncontrollably.  Since then, I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting Anna or Evan, the middle daughter and younger son, but I know that my good friend Chip Wood is very excited that all three children have been learning the business from the ground up. 

That’s why the phrase “family-owned and operated is so important!  Who better than Chip’s own family to continue to honor the company values and customer benefits that he established so long ago?  As Chip passes the reins to a new generation of Woods, I’ll be saying thanks of my own to all the wonderful Tire Discounters employees and customers I’ve met over the years.  

Speaking of families, one of Chip’s favorite experiences is when a young customer approaches him with a smile and says “my Grandpa was a customer at your first store!”  

A Web Log about fleet from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

I needed to call a plumber to take a look at a leaky pipe in my secret lair.  The nice gentleman pulled up in a truck that said “A Flush Beats a Full House”.  

“Hello, I’m a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity.”

“Hi.  That’s okay, we get all kinds.”  

“All kinds of what?  By the way, I believe there’s an error of fact on your van.  I’m not much for gambling, but I’m confident that according to the rules of poker, a full house does, indeed, beat flush.”

“Oh, yeah.  Well, that’s just a joke.”  

“…What?”

“You know, a kind of plumbing play on words.  Kinda cute and catchy, huh?”  

“…What?”

“Well, it’s humorous.”

“OHHH!  HA HA HA!   Oh, of course.  Humor.  I get it,”  I said, even though I didn’t, really.

“Incidentally, when you pulled into my driveway I noticed that your work van was bouncing up and down rather dramatically.” 

“Oh, yeah, needs shocks really bad.  But the place we take our vans to didn’t have time to fix it.”

“What!  But the lack of control is dangerous!  You need to have it checked and repaired immediately!”

“Well, like I said, the shop that handles our fleet couldn’t get to it.”  

“What about Tire Discounters!  Call them right away!”

“Yeah, love that place.  I take all my family’s cars there.  Didn’t know they did fleets.”

“Oh yes, I’m sure they’ll be happy to set you up with a fleet account.  I’m a close personal friend of the owner, Chip Wood, and he says that fleets are a specialty at Tire Discounters!”

“Huh.  They got all the discounts and stuff?”

“If I know Tire Discounters, you’ll get discounts AND a great deal more.”  

“Yeah, I do like those folks.”  

“Here are directions to nearest store.  Leave now and drive there VERY carefully!”

“What about your leak?”

“My flooded basement pales in comparison to your unsafe vehicle.  Come back after you’ve set up a Tire Discounters fleet account and made your vehicle safe!”

A Web Log about free alignment from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

I still remember, as though it were, oh, yesterday – that fateful day in 1997 when my good friend Chip gave me a fateful piece of news:  

“Phantom, I’m going to start offering a free alignment to anyone who buys 4 tires”.

“But, but Chip” I stammered.

“I know, I know.  It’s gonna be really expensive for us to buy the equipment and train everyone.  Not to mention the money we’ll give up by not charging those customers for their alignments.”

I was still too overcome to gather my wits.

“Excuse my French, but darn it, alignment is just so important!  You should never ever, ever put new tires on a misaligned vehicle!  It’s diabolical what happens then…the treads begin to wear unevenly…and once that starts, it can’t be undone and just continues to get worse!  BUT!  Do people know that?  Do they know that misalignment can void the manufacturer’s warranty?  Of course not!  Sometimes I think that all my competitors care about is selling the tires and slapping them on as fast as they can.”

By this point I was starting to get choked up.  Then, Chip uttered the words that would alter the course of my professional life.  

“People need to know, Phantom.  So I’m counting on you to spread the word.  From now on, every Tire Discounters customer who buys 4 tires with standard installation will GET that needed alignment!  And it shall be free.  Phantom, do you think you can do that for me?  No, I take that back.  Not for me.  Can you do it for unsuspecting tire buyers everywhere?”

Again, I wish I’d been more articulate at the time.  The best I could do was blurt out: “Alignment – so CRUCIAL!”

A Web Log about chat from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

I think I may be guilty of over-using the “Chat” button at Tire Discounters.com.  I can’t help it sometimes – it’s just so convenient and fun!  But, as that last expert on the Chat line (again) reminded me, they need to be devoting their time to helping people find the right answers to immediate questions about tires and service.  

Let me help you understand the kinds of questions they really don’t have time for – I’ve asked all of them and sensed the frustration on the other end…

What are your likes and dislikes?

Suspension/alignment.  Alignment/suspension.  Thoughts?

What manufacturer has the most esthetically pleasing tread patterns?

Can you guess the name of my closest personal friend in the industry?

Why do Asian restaurants use different scales when measuring spiciness?  

Now I knew when I asked some these questions that they were slightly off topic.  But how often does one have a chance to bend the ear of a truly knowledgeable expert?  

By no means should you take this to mean that I don’t recommend using this incredibly helpful service.  On the contrary – it’s a wonderful way for people who are non-experts on all things tire related, to assure that they are making all the right decisions for their comfort and SAFETY!  

I can promise you that the Chat experts at Tirediscounters.com would love to hear from you!

A Web Log about brakes from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

At times while browsing through the latest issue of “Tire Business”, or some other fascinating magazine, I’ll turn on the television – mostly to serve as a soothing background effect.  But I was right in middle of an article about my good friend Chip Wood, founder of Tire Discounters and his eldest son Steven, when my attention was diverted by what I heard.  It was a commercial, and the voice intoned: “everybody talks about how fast they can go from 0 to 60 mph.  Wouldn’t it be nice to know how fast you can go from 60 to 0?”  WOW!  Exactly! – I thought to myself.  (Yes, my inner voice often uses exclamation points.)  

Brakes!  So crucial!  Please, please go to TireDiscounters.com – wait, you’re already there.  Okay then, after perusing the fascinating information about brakes under the “Services” button, please go straight to the Tire Discounters closest to you!  The experts there will check your brakes for FREE!  

BUT:  new brakes can only work as well as the tires allow.  In the rain, for example, new tires can stop your vehicle up to TWICE as fast as worn or balding tires.  That’s a difference of about 200 feet!  2/3’s of a football field!  (I’m told that analogies from games of sport are very effective)

A Web Log about MAP from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

You know what “MAP” means, riiight?  HA!  Gotcha!  Sorry to be so amusingly coy, but the “MAP” I’m referring to here is the Motorist Assurance Program!  Tire Discounters has been MAP accredited for many years.  My question for them is “why keep such exciting news to yourselves?” 

Please, please, NEVER trust your vehicle to a shop that is NOT MAP accredited.  (Unless maybe it’s owned by a blood relative.  2nd cousins, for example, wouldn’t count.)  BUT, if, like Tire Discounters, the shop is MAP approved, feel free to take your vehicle there for all your manufacturer’s scheduled services.  What?  No more exorbitant dealer service costs?  Exactly!

Here’s a little taste of what Tire Discounters and other reputable MAP accredited folks do every day with every customer…

• Provide written recommendations for repairs
• Provide a written estimate for the repairs
• No work will be performed without prior authorization
• Employ trained personnel in accordance with MAP Standards of Service
• Inspect your vehicle based on the MAP Uniform Inspection and Communication Standards
• Include a written limited warranty at no extra cost
• Address any disputes in a timely, professional manner.

As you can see, following MAP guidelines isn’t easy.  Technicians must be carefully trained before they can carry through properly at every step.  

But it’s worth it!  And for a family-owned and operated company like Tire Discounters, the reason for MAP accreditation is even more basic:  it’s the right thing to do!

A Web Log about pizza from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

Sometimes mundane tasks are difficult for me.  Last night, for example, I ordered a pizza.  A young lad appeared at the door of my secret lair shortly thereafter:

“I have a large pepperoni for a “PTB”.”

“Ah yes.  That would be for me, thank you!”

“So, those are your initials?”

“It stands for Phantom Tire Buyer.  Perhaps you’ve heard of me?”

He stared at me with a rather blank look.  “Can’t say as I have.  Just gotta make sure this pizza goes to the right person.”

“I can assure you, young man, it is indeed for me.  I’m a Phantom Tire with a secret identity.” 

“A secret identity?”

“Yes.” 

“So why do you come right out and say that?  I mean, like Batman has a secret identity, and he wears a cape like yours…”

“Hmm…not sure I’ve heard of this Batman you speak of.”

“But what he doesn’t do is go around TELLING everybody that he has a secret identity.” 

“I believe in complete transparency.”

“But you have a secret identity!”

“And I’m very up front about it.”

“Uh huh.”

“May I have my pizza now?”

“Sure.” 

“I’m afraid it’s getting cold.  Oh, by the way, you can’t reveal to anyone the location of my secret lair.”

“Oh!  You’re hiding out!”

“Only from disreputable tire dealers.  They’d do anything to have my address!  I think.”

A Web Log about mud tires from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary, 

I am not an avid hunter.  As a Phantom Tire Buyer, I get a lot of questions from all sorts of people, but never once has a hunter asked me something like “Hello Phantom, are the mallards aflight?”  I was invited to tag along once on a hunting trip, but my cape kept getting snagged in the underbrush – significantly slowing down my compadres. 

So I was rather nonplussed when my neighbor pulled up in his camouflaged truck and exclaimed “Hey Phantom, can I ask you something?”  My mind reeled.  What could he want to ask?

“I’m sorry Ed, but I know very little about being an outdoorsy-type person.”

“Need some new mudders!  Thought you’d be the best guy to ask!”

“Oh, well in that case I’m quite flattered.  Before I answer, though, what’s a mudder?”

”You know, knobbies!”

Now I was beginning to question his sobriety.  “Knobbies?”

“C’mon, man!  Mud tires for my truck!”

“Oh!!!  I’m glad you asked!  Tire Discounters, owned and operated by the family of my good personal friend, Chip Wood, is recommending Thunderers for 2019!”

“Thunderers?  Wow, I’ve heard those are some beautiful, quality knobbies!”

“Um, yes, I’m assured that is the case.  Excellent mothers indeed!”

“You mean mudders?”

“Exactly!”

A Web Log about ASE-certified services from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

Dear reader:  I couldn’t believe my ears.  I was speaking with Mr. McGillicuddy, who lives just across the way from my lair, in a top secret location.  He was happily recounting a recent game of the football that he’d watched on television, when suddenly, out of nowhere, he asked “Hey Phantom, you know anyone I could trust to do my brakes?”

‘Whaaa??!!  I was so taken aback that I was reduced to sputtering.”

“But, but Tire Discounters!!”

“Not tires, those are good.   Need brakes.”

“My good sir!  Tire Discounters offers unmatched professionalism when it comes to ALL maintenances services, and I believe it’s fair to say that brake service leads the way!” 

“Okay, okay, don’t get your cape all in a bunch.  Didn’t know.”

“I blame myself!  I get so excited about alignments, which, by the way, Tire Discounters offers for free with any 4-tire install using standard installation.  And do you know why?”

“Because alignment is important?”

“You’re close.  But I would say that it’s CRUCIAL!  For long lasting tires that wear properly; for safety, and once a new tire is installed on a misaligned vehicle the mayhem that ensues can never be corrected!”

“So, about brakes.”

“Brakes!  Yes!  Before you sidetracked me, I was going to recommend that you take your vehicle to the ASE Certified technicians without delay!  They will inspect your brakes at no charge.  Then they will tell you how much time you have remaining on your current rotors and pads.” 

“Will they shoot me straight?”

“What?”

“You know, be honest with me?”

“You have my word on that, as a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity.  After all, this is Tire Discounters we’re talking about!”

“Gotcha.  Oh, one other thing.  I think I need an oil change.  Any ideas?” 

And with that, dear reader, I’ll end this diary entry.  In retrospect, my reaction to his question may have been a bit over the top.

A Web Log about alignment from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I was sitting in the lair “channel-surfing” as they say, when I saw a commercial for a certain tire store with a backwards name.  (I refuse to write or utter their actual name.)  At the end of the commercial, they said “Let’s get you taken care of.”  Now, aside from ending a sentence in a preposition (something up with which I will not put) I must say that I was taken aback.  I picked up the phone:

“Yeah, This is (Blah Blah) Tire.”

“Hello, I’m a Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity.”

“Uh huh.  I got no time for crank calls.”

“Oh, too busy getting people taken care of?”  My voice can drip with sarcasm when I want it to.

“Did you need tires or what?”

“Yes.  And I assume you will perform any needed alignment on my vehicle before installing the tires, correct?”

“Alignment?”

“Yes.  As an expert, surely you will agree that putting new tires on a misaligned vehicle is a grave mistake.” 

“Well, yeah, the treads can start wearing all cattywampus.  But we don’t do alignments.” 

“What!”

“You know how much an alignment rack costs?  Plus, I got no idea how to use ‘em.”

“So.  You’ll slap tires on my car, and send me out of your store knowing that the tires will wear out faster, and my vehicle may drive unsafely?”

“We’ll recommend a decent shop.  You can go there and get as aligned as you want.”

“And you call that getting me taken care of?  Did you know that at Tire Discounters…”

Uh oh.  Gotta go.  You said Tire Discounters.  The boss said if somebody says Tire Discounters, we’re just supposed to hang up.

What!!!  That’s almost as outrageous as putting new tires on a misaligned…

(click)

A Web Log about tire pressure from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I don’t know about you, but one of my favorite pastimes is to wonder about and check the tire pressure on various vehicles.  If I can help improve even one person’s tire wear and vehicle safety, to me that is time very well spent.  But, even on my best day, I can only check between 300 to 400 vehicles.  (Although, on June 21st, the longest day of the year, I checked 628 vehicles.)  So, I can’t promise to get to your personal vehicle. 

Tire Discounters to the rescue!   Did you know that you can stop in any Tire Discounters at any time and they will check out your tire pressure and inflate your tires as needed?  And you don’t have to be, like me, a close personal friend of Chip Wood.  You don’t even have to be a Tire Discounters customer! 

Oft times I’ll pull into a Tire Discounters and request that they check my tire pressure just to make sure that the calibration is correct on my Phantom Tire Pressure Gauge.  Then I’ll get to joshing with the guys and gals at the store.  I could stay there for hours swapping tire related stories.  But, after a few minutes they will start looking at their watches and excuse themselves.  After all, there’s work to do! 

A Web Log about ADAS from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

The Phantomobile is an older vehicle, and as such doesn’t feature an Advanced Driver’s Assistance System.  Those of us in the “biz” (if you’ll forgive my informality!) refer to it as ADAS.  I was recently at the Tire Discounter’s Performance store, when I happened upon Dave Cahill, the Director of Training. 

“Hey Phantom,” said Dave, “want to take a ride?”

Dave had just bought a snappy new SUV, so I jumped at the chance.

“Where are we headed?”

“Just over to Sharonville.”

“Sharonville?!  Really?  I love Sharonville!”

“Hop in!”

“Dave, you’re an expert on all things ADAS.  Please, give me the benefit of your vast knowledge and experience.”

“I’d be happy to,” said Dave.  And he was. 

“Well, as you know, Tire Discounters now provides glass replacement.  And with every windshield we replace, we must recalibrate all the ADAS systems and cameras.  Like on my new pride and joy, here, you’ve got your lane assist, your blind spot alert, automated parking, the whole nine yards.

BUT, if I need a new windshield, or I have front end work done, or replace a panel, guess what happens?”

I was on the edge of my seat.  “What?  What happens, Dave?”

“Those same ADAS systems that help keep you safe can go a little catty-wampus.  They could give you the wrong information!”

“Heaven forfend!”

“Exactly.”

“Exactly!”

“And that’s why Tire Discounters invested in all the latest technology that let’s our technicians make those adjustments and recalibrations when necessary.”

“Wow!”

“Well, here we are.  Beautiful downtown Sharonville.”

“Just as I remembered it!”

A Web Log about a secret from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I decided that for my summer vacation this year, I would load up the Phantomobile and tour every town fortunate enough to be home to the greatest tire store in the world, Tire Discounters!  So, from smallish towns like Wilmington, OH, to boomtowns like Nashville, TN, I reserved overnight accommodations at various bed & breakfasts along the route.  Naturally, I used my secret identity when making the reservations.  I discovered long ago that getting a decent credit card approved under the name Phantom Tire Buyer is problematic at best.

At my first stop, in the morning I arrived at the communal breakfast table in my Phantom attire, which, of course, includes my cape and glasses.  There were two couples already seated when I walked in – they were having a grand old time discussing their travels and their families back home. 

Not wanting to be rude, I stood between the tables and introduced myself:

“Hello, I’m a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity”.  Just then our hostess walked in with a platter full of scrambled eggs. 

“Barbara,” one of the guests said to her, “you didn’t tell us there was entertainment!”

“Oh, I’m not an entertainer,” I said.  “But I will provide a service for each of you.  I will gladly do a visual inspection of the tires on each of your vehicles.  Then, if I detect something may be amiss, I will give you directions to a nearby Tire Discounters!  Or you could just follow me, as I’m headed there straightaway after finishing this delicious repast!”

Enter. Silence.

Suddenly, instead of a light-hearted back and forth among fellow travelers, all one could hear were crickets chirping outside. 

Finally, our hostess Barbara broke the silence.  “I thought your name was (redacted).” 

“Yes, but that’s my secret identity.  So I would ask each of you to please not repeat what you’ve heard here today.”

“Nobody’d believe it anyway” said one of the gentlemen, as he piled a good sized portion of eggs on his plate. 

A Web Log about memories from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I was in the lair the other day, casually perusing the 2019 Tire Guide, when I received a call. 

“Hello.  This is the Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity.”

“Hi Phantom!  This is your good friend and founder of Tire Discounters, Chip Wood.”

“Hello Chip!  I was just brushing up on fitments for models manufactured by Kia.”

“Oh sure, pages 147 through 152.  Interesting stuff!”

“Indeed!  So my friend, how’s life treating you, as they say?”

“Great!  I was just wondering if you’d like to join my family and me at the big July 4th parade?”

I froze.  I could barely speak. 

“P-P-Parade?,” I managed to stammer.  Then, suddenly, from out of nowhere I bellowed “NOOOO!”

What was happening to me?  Then, slowly, a repressed memory revealed itself in flashing images awash in sepia tones.  I saw myself as a 6-year-old Phantom, eating cream and watching a parade.  A grown up in a mechanic’s uniform was towering over me as we both looked on at the approaching float. 

“Somethin’s funny, kid.  I’m not sure that float is aligned right with the rest of the…”

Just then, people were scattering and running in all directions!  The float had nearly careened into the crowd!  Thanks goodness, no one was hurt.  As my senses returned, all I could think to myself was ‘Alignment!  So Crucial!’ 

Then I remembered that my friend was still on the line. 

“Phantom?  Are you okay?”

“F-fine, yes.  But I may have pass on that parade.  Alignment!  It’s just so, so…”

Chip completed the thought.  “…CRUCIAL!”

A Web Log about stores with confusing names from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

It may come as surprise to many of my readers who think of me as a cool, calm and collected Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity, but I suffer from chronic hypertension. Fortunately, my high blood pressure is kept under control through drugs to treat it and the careful supervision of my doctor.  It was quite a surprise to both of us then, to discover in yesterday’s check-up that my BP had skyrocketed to nearly alarming heights. 

“Has anything recently made you anxious or unsettled?”  He asked.

“Indeed!” I replied.  “I recently visited that tire store with a backward name.”

“Which one is that”

“I have vowed never to speak its name”.

“Can you give me a hint?”

“Well, you know Tire Discounters?”

“Of course.  You mention them often.  Very often.”

“Well, take the name Tire Discounters and reverse the word order.  That’s where I was!”

“There a place called Discounters Tire?”

“Nevermind.  The important thing is that they don’t even have an alignment racks!”

“And this upset you.”

“I’m glad you understand.  These, these PEOPLE at the store the confusing names have the audacity to install new tires without making sure the vehicle is properly aligned!”

“Okay.  Here’s my advice.  Don’t ever go back to that place again.”

“I promise!  And you must promise to share that advice with all your patients!”

“Absolutely!  If, you know, we start talking about getting new tires.  Here.  In my examination room.”

A Web Log about lifetime tire maintenance from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I was talking with my good compadre Mike at Tire Discounters the other day. 

“Phantom, I’m not feeling really great today.”

“Why not Mike?  Oh, I’ll bet I know what it is.  Sometimes I will start thinking of unfortunate souls who don’t patronize Tire Discounters for lifetime tire maintenance and the lack of proper alignment, the unbalanced state of their tires, and how they must constantly overpay for routine maintenance!”

“Well, yeah, there’s that, but…”

“I’m always cognizant of reality, Mike…”

“You are?”

“…but sometimes I’m overwhelmed by the multitudes that I haven’t yet reached with my good news about Tire Discounters.”  And I must say, it does make me feel low at times.  There Mike, does it help to know you’re not alone in these thoughts?”

“Well, actually, I’ve just got a little cold.  You know, congestion, coughing…that kind of thing.”

“That sounds awful!”

“What, you’ve never felt that way?”

“Not that I can recall.  Is there anything I can do?”

Then Mike mumbled something that sounded like “maybe get sick for once in your life like normal people”. 

I must have misunderstood.   

A Web Log about treadwear from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I was having a spot of trouble with my computer the other day, and a nice young man (certainly not a “Geek”, so the company name remains confusing to me) was dispatched to the lair.  He pulled up in a newer model Volkswagen.  After a brief visual inspection of his treadwear, I introduced myself.

“Hello, I’m a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity!”

“Really?  I’ve heard you on the radio, but I thought it was a put on.  You know, for the commercial.”

“Yes, I get that reaction a lot.  I’ve taken to avoiding social occasions.”

“So, let’s take a look.”

Once situated at my home computer, he exclaimed…

“Man, I’ve seen some weird stuff but look at your bookmarks!”

“Yes?”

“There’s like 15 tire makers.  And a bunch of Tire Discounters locations.  It’s like your obsessed or something.”

“Well, here’s Hunter Engineering.  They aren’t a tire manufacturer or retailer.  So, you see I have a diverse set of interests.”

“What does Hunter do?”

“They make alignment racks.”

“Interesting.”

“INDEED!  I’m glad you think so!   Here, take a look at this!  It goes into detail about the efficacy of Hunter’s Quick Check system!  Go ahead, I’ll let you read and absorb the wonderful information.”

“Boy, I’d love to, but I’m billing you by the hour.  And you’re all fixed up.  Just a loose cord.”

I wasn’t completely aware of the young man’s departure.  Once again, I had become transfixed by the almost magical capabilities of Hunter’s latest innovation!

A Web Log about “Details Matter” from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I was coming back from the health food store the other day in the Phantomobile, when I espied a colorful and eye-catching billboard!  It said, “At 70 miles per hour, details matter”.  Wow, said to myself, wiser words were never spoken!  Just then I saw that the billboard was put up by my good friend Chip Wood!  It was my friends at Tire Discounters spreading the good word!

Attention to detail summarizes in a nutshell the policies that make Tire Discounters, in the humble opinion of THIS Phantom Tire Buyer, the greatest tire store in the world!  The examples are too many to enumerate here, but who else takes the time and effort to sand all the mating surfaces; to align your vehicle with state-of-the-art Hunter alignment racks; or to double hand-torque your lug nuts?

I must say that I was supremely honored years ago when Chip Wood suggested that we record some of my off-the-cuff conversations with Mike at my nearest store – and put them on the radio!  But this takes things to a new level!  Details do, indeed, matter!  My only unsolicited suggestion for Chip when he writes his next billboard?  More exclamation points!!!

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I was in line recently at my local grocer’s, when I happened to overhear a conversation between the husband and wife who were behind me.  “Which tire store was it that we’re going to”, the wife asked.  The husband’s reply cut me to the quick:

“Doesn’t matter.  They’re all alike.”

Now, I may have over reacted.  I spun around so fast that my cape got caught in the conveyor, and my safety glasses were knocked askew. 

“What!  Nay, my good man, tire stores are most decidedly NOT alike!”

I don’t know if they were somewhat put off by my cape and glasses, or were disturbed by my unexpected bellowing, but they decided to hurriedly choose another line, as did three people behind them. 

It’s a constant struggle for me to remember that, while tires and automotive safety are MY passion, most people simply are unaware that only Tire Discounters lives up to, and indeed, surpasses, the highest standards of the industry.  To choose just one example, you can’t name ONE other store that includes an alignment with every 4-tire purchase with standard installation.  Or who else pays such attention to detail?  Who else hand-grinds all mating surfaces?  Who else double hand-torques your lug nuts?  Who else has the state-of-the art equipment in order to re-calibrate the automatic drivers assistance systems (or ADAS, as I like to call it) in newer vehicles? 

At any rate, as I was checking out the nice man at the register kept staring at me rather oddly, and I’m quite sure I felt many eyes on me as I left the store. 

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity!

Dear Diary,

When I was a young Phantom, my formative years involved a lot of tinkering with alignment racks, mastering hand-torquing and learning the ins and outs of computer spin-balancing.  With all that, I would sometimes congratulate myself on my new found technical “wizardry”.

My friends, I was naïve.  Recently, my good friend, Chip Wood, invited me to see Tire Discounters’ latest industry-leading innovation:  a complex system designed to re-calibrate Advanced Driver Assistance Systems, aka, ADAS.  Wow!  Just wow. 

The Phantomobile has many years and miles on it, so it wasn’t until I experienced a ride in a 2018 vehicle that I gained a true appreciation of today’s ADAS system.  I was running some errands with my beloved Aunt Millie, when she pulled aside to attempt to parallel park into a very tight space.  “Oh, I don’t know if we’ll fit in that space, Auntie”, I said.  She responded by smiling broadly, pressing a button and lifting her hands off the wheel!  Well, you sophisticated readers know what happened:  the car parked itself!

I don’t pretend to be an expert on ADAS, but I met one at Tire Discounters.  Mr. Dave Cahill knows these systems backwards and forwards.  It was he who informed me that the systems operated with finely tuned cameras and sensors, and if this equipment wasn’t working properly it could endanger the safety of the driver and passengers. 

So my friends, if your car is equipped with one or more ADAS systems, I implore you to call my friends, the experts at Tire Discounters!

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

February 12, 2019

Dear Diary,

Potholes!  Anyone who has ventured out onto the roads recently has had to deal with these sinister sink-holes.  In no way do I mean to disparage the good and hard working people who maintain our roads – BUT, imagine my dismay upon discovering a cavernous crater right outside of my lair!  If these rascals feel free to scar the road of a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity and close personal friend of Chip Wood’s, who knows what havoc they are wreaking upon those who have no connection to Tire Discounters!

But fear not!  In the interest of safe travel for everyone, Tire Discounters ALWAYS offers free inspections, even to those who have not been wise enough to take advantage of their goods and services.

So the best thing you can do if you’ve encountered one of these malicious menaces is to head to Tire Discounters, toot-sweet, and have your tire inspected and alignment checked!

Now I must go.  I intend to stand guard over the pothole outside of my lair and warn unsuspecting drivers of the impending danger.  Fortunately, my cape is weather-proof.

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

February 4, 2019

Dear Diary,

I have never been too concerned about my eyesight.  As a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity, my glasses are an integral part of my clever disguise.  And yet, dear diary, I must confide to you that the lenses are clear!  It was only after Tire Discounters installed my new windshield wipers that I supected something was amiss.  I anxiously awaited the first rain or snowfall after the installation so that I would witness perfect clarity with each swipe of the new blades.  Finally, the big day came, and with the falling of the first flakes I hopped in the Phantomobile for a spin!

Swipe/and the windshield is clean!  Then, more flakes and/swipe…an utterly pristine windshield!  As you might imagine, I was enthralled by process, but it’s rather repetitive to describe.

Just then, in scanning the road ahead left to right as safe drivers do, I detected a vague blurriness in objects that were far away.  I made haste to the eye doctor and was informed that my vision was not 20/20!

There is a lesson here.  New wipers at Tire Discounters are effective and endlessly fascinating, but proper vision is just as important.  So from this day on, when I see someone with unsightly streaks on their windshields, my advice will be twofold:  go to Tire Discounters for new windshield wipers – and get your eyes checked by a medical professional.

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

January 23, 2019

Dear Diary,

You may think that being a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity would be a glamorous life.  But I am in the midst applying for a passport, and believe me, it’s been vexing.  Of course, I used my secret identity for the form, but then I came across a field that asked whether I ever used an alias.  What could I do, dear diary.  I can’t lie.  It just isn’t something I’m able to do.  So I responded that yes, I do indeed go by another name:  The Phantom Tire Buyer.

After sending in the form, it occurred to me that I may have made a mistake.  Somewhere in the Passport Authorization Building there is a clerk who will receive a passport application from a person who sometimes calls himself…well, you know.  Alas, I fear that may raise some “red flags” as they say.  Imagine that you were unfortunate enough never to have heard of my good friend Chip Wood or even Tire Discounters.  Certainly, my being a Phantom Tire Buyer makes perfect sense when one understands the context.  But what if you don’t?

Ah well, it appears that I may have some explaining to do.  But how?

To be continued…

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

January 17, 2019

Dear Diary,

The other day I was sitting in my living room re-calibrating my Hunter alignment rack, when I heard the whimsical strains of the Tire Discounters jingle.  It was the chimes on my doorbell, which are programmed to repeat that delightful tune.  Someone was at the door of the Phantom’s Secret Lair!

I opened the door to find a little girl and her mother.  My first thought was that perhaps they’d gone to one of Tire Discounters’ competitors; bought tires without proper alignment, and were now stranded on the road from a tire mishap arising from weeks and months of improper tire wear.

Just then the little girl looked up at me with big brown eyes and asked, “would you like to buy some cookies?”

“This is my daughter Nova, the nice woman explained, and she’s a Girl Scout”.

Now, as a Phantom Tire Buyer, I myself don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but I knew some good friends that did!  “Why yes,” I said.  “I would like some cookies.”

“What kind would you like, sir?”

“Oh S’mores, please, definitely S’mores.”

“Okay great, thank you!  One box of S’mores?”

“No, I’d better get more than that.  I’ll take 120 boxes, please.”

“Wow!”

“One for each Tire Discounters location.  They’re growing fast you know.”

They thanked me profusely, and as they departed down the sidewalk of the lair, I heard the little girl ask her mother “can we come back on Halloween?”

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

December 27, 2018

Dear Diary,

My good friend Mike at Tire Discounters and I were engaging in some friendly small talk today when he asked me what my New Year’s Resolutions were for 2019.   Fortunately, I had already considered various ways that I could be a better Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity.

Here’s my partial list:

• Don’t startle people. I can patiently explain the importance of tire safety and automotive maintenance.  I don’t need to blurt it out.  Even though it is SO CRUCIAL!
• Buy and sew on a proper fastener for my cape. The safety pin looks rather unprofessional.
• Cultivate a sophisticated sense of humor. Oftentimes people have to explain to me when they’re engaged in light-hearted banter or joshing.
• Get out more. Almost every Tire Discounters is surrounded by places where regular people congregate and get coffee, or shop, or go about the usual business of life.  Caveat:  when acting upon this resolution, always remember resolution #1.

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

December 20, 2018

Dear Diary,

Every year I struggle with the same dilemma:  what to get my friends at Tire Discounters for Christmas.  They work so hard all year keeping vehicles safe and tires aligned – what could I, a humble Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity, do for them to properly express my thanks?

Last year I decided to visit each store to express my gratitude personally.  Wow, what a whirlwind tour that turned out to be.  It isn’t easy visiting over 100 stores in 5 states – but I certainly met some interesting people along the way.  In one local eatery in Bardstown Kentucky, I struck up a conversation with a local gentlemen:

“Say friend,” said I, “what repast would you recommend, as I assume you’re a regular in this establishment!”  He looked me over carefully, very carefully in fact, and then declared, “I know you.  You’re that Phantom Tire Buyer guy!”

It’s always embarrassing to come face to face with what limited fame I enjoy as a result of my crusades on behalf of automotive safety, and I was formulating a modest response when the gentleman indicated that he had just remembered he had somewhere else to be.

“Did you recognize my cape and glasses,” I inquired?  But when I looked up he had already left, having hurriedly tossed his money and check on the counter.  Tell me reader, does that behavior seem somewhat quirky to you?  Because for some reason, I see it quite often.

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

December 3, 2018

Dear Diary,

I have been remiss in my diary duties of late due to a nagging cold.  Nothing serious, mind you, but I’ve been relegated to watching television in my lair.  It’s black and white, and doesn’t pick up the UHF channels very well.  But, I’ve learned a few things from my viewing:

• There certainly is a lot going on in Chicago.  Medicine, fires, you name it, it’s happening there.
• There’s a certain roofing company that can save you a l-o-o-o-t of money.
• The football sport seems awfully popular.
• During the day people shout at each other a lot. Sometimes it’s in court rooms and sometimes it’s in front of an audience.

The good news is that I’m starting to feel like my old Phantom-self again!  I think tomorrow I’ll hop into the Phantomobile and visit my friend Mike at Tire Discounters!  He always seems pleased when I appear!

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

November 14, 2018

Dear Diary,

Well, my good compadre Mike over at my local Tire Discounters certainly “pulled one over on me” as they say.  When he asked me if I liked Big Bucks, I replied that I did.  I seldom use slang terms, but I felt confident in following along with Mike’s idiomatic usage.  Well, the joke was on me!  Because just yesterday I saw a billboard with huge buck DEER on it!  I had to chuckle.

Little did I know that he was talking about saving large male deer!  Not to worry, though, as I’m planning to get back at my good friend.  I remember when I was a young lad in the schoolyard and a friend asked me to pull his finger.  I did so, and everyone laughed and laughed.  So, next time I see Mike, I’m going to ask Mike, innocently enough, to pull MY finger.  I’m sure everyone will laugh, though I’m not sure exactly why.